Young and the Recklace

Using this time to reflect, They say what you go thru makes you who ever you become. I recall A time when I was a kid my parents where alchoholics, I was around thirteen years of age and I was running around with a feeling of abandondment my parents weren't really in a finacial position to supply things that I needed at the time. They used to send me to the corner store with a note asking to borrow food until payday it was very embarrasing but at the end of the day i ate.I remember there was a lady who use to sell clothes out of her trunk(booster) she would allow my mother to borrow clothes until payday, Despite being heavy drinkers they also was inspired by a gambling habit, On a regular basis they would have card games if they won it was all good if they lost I would do without, To bad winning came far and few between, some use a saying that you cant miss something you never had from my experience I dont believe that to be true because if you dont have and people make jokes than you miss something you never had, I use to either wear hand me downs or I had my boys who would allow me to borrow outfits to wear to school, It was one of the worst feeling in the world for a child to have, I always felt misunderstood as a child but i had my friends that i grew up with they either had similar situation or they was the ones who looked out for me while i was left unattended, I started hanging with the older kids we would do things like be peeping toms looking through people home windows, Breaking into cars alot of dumb kid stuff,I was always the one to go first cause I was the youngest it seamed to me my parents didnt care unless i got caught but they didnt care enough to notice I was gone in the first place, Life was so hard, if it wasnt for my circle I would have been totally alone. A  few years passed and I created a crew called the Fully Down Fellas (F.D.F) it was us against the world. At this time my parents became cool because we could drink at my house with my parents we could smoke weed with my father it was the hangout spot where we created ideas and plots of our next move for the future I started feeling like a part of something no longer abandoned, known I have a crew and everyday was a celebration. I would disapear for days inside drug houses. Iwould come home and my parents partying as usual not once to stop and ask where I was,I  guess thats why these blogs kinda cut me deep because im starting to feel that sence of abandondment again, All those who helped me make thru in those tough times are no longer around time flies. I use to be able to pick up the phone and call one of my people just to get things off my chest and now there is noone but me, One great thing is my parents have been sober for over 10 years and Im finding a way to open my heart and not surpress these feelings its so hard to open your heart for anyone and watch people walk away because they dont understand the feelings of who you are and what you go thru on a daily basis internally, I just keep thinking to myself i never want to leave my kids feeling abandoned but in the end I lose anything good but them. I have no logic just fear I guess no matter how old I get I will always be that lost child finding direction I've done alot of things that make me unproud of myself but everyday is a chance for me to change.THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAS HELPED ME THRU AND I TRY TO HEAR THOSE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT ECHO THRU MY HEART BUT ALL I SEAM TO RECIEVE IS A MUTED SOUND. LIFE OF THE YOUNG AND RECKLACE.