Young and the Recklace

Using this time to reflect, They say what you go thru makes you who ever you become. I recall A time when I was a kid my parents where alchoholics, I was around thirteen years of age and I was running around with a feeling of abandondment my parents weren't really in a finacial position to supply things that I needed at the time. They used to send me to the corner store with a note asking to borrow food until payday it was very embarrasing but at the end of the day i ate.I remember there was a lady who use to sell clothes out of her trunk(booster) she would allow my mother to borrow clothes until payday, Despite being heavy drinkers they also was inspired by a gambling habit, On a regular basis they would have card games if they won it was all good if they lost I would do without, To bad winning came far and few between, some use a saying that you cant miss something you never had from my experience I dont believe that to be true because if you dont have and people make jokes than you miss something you never had, I use to either wear hand me downs or I had my boys who would allow me to borrow outfits to wear to school, It was one of the worst feeling in the world for a child to have, I always felt misunderstood as a child but i had my friends that i grew up with they either had similar situation or they was the ones who looked out for me while i was left unattended, I started hanging with the older kids we would do things like be peeping toms looking through people home windows, Breaking into cars alot of dumb kid stuff,I was always the one to go first cause I was the youngest it seamed to me my parents didnt care unless i got caught but they didnt care enough to notice I was gone in the first place, Life was so hard, if it wasnt for my circle I would have been totally alone. A  few years passed and I created a crew called the Fully Down Fellas (F.D.F) it was us against the world. At this time my parents became cool because we could drink at my house with my parents we could smoke weed with my father it was the hangout spot where we created ideas and plots of our next move for the future I started feeling like a part of something no longer abandoned, known I have a crew and everyday was a celebration. I would disapear for days inside drug houses. Iwould come home and my parents partying as usual not once to stop and ask where I was,I  guess thats why these blogs kinda cut me deep because im starting to feel that sence of abandondment again, All those who helped me make thru in those tough times are no longer around time flies. I use to be able to pick up the phone and call one of my people just to get things off my chest and now there is noone but me, One great thing is my parents have been sober for over 10 years and Im finding a way to open my heart and not surpress these feelings its so hard to open your heart for anyone and watch people walk away because they dont understand the feelings of who you are and what you go thru on a daily basis internally, I just keep thinking to myself i never want to leave my kids feeling abandoned but in the end I lose anything good but them. I have no logic just fear I guess no matter how old I get I will always be that lost child finding direction I've done alot of things that make me unproud of myself but everyday is a chance for me to change.THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAS HELPED ME THRU AND I TRY TO HEAR THOSE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT ECHO THRU MY HEART BUT ALL I SEAM TO RECIEVE IS A MUTED SOUND. LIFE OF THE YOUNG AND RECKLACE.

The Womanizer

Imagine a destroyed man where everything inside of him crushed to pieces, The day comes I am is excited to here those words I am pregnant I'm  already feeling like I would die for love, Now its so much better because I have a reason to, anything to protect my child that rest in the pits of her stomach its a great reason to want to live. I still recall my words I will do anything for you, I have always felt like a odd ball kid when it came to love but finally love picked me who can ask for anything more everyday I look at your stomach your looking more and more beautiful I remember nights looking at my ceiling with a silly smile thinking of names to myself wow me a dad moms happy dads proud that his son is gonna give him his first grandchild I am on top of the world my whole crew buying gifts. Moms preparing for baby shower my whole family there intermediate and distant this is a big deal for me. I have never been a dad before, A little me who would have thought a little me. Its a sunny Tuesday afternoon I'm off to do what I do, then I get a page from a unfamiliar number I call it back my mother is on the line crying I ask what's wrong, she says  I'm at the hospital the baby is born I feel instant joy then she says her grandmother asked me why am I here, The baby is not yours baby at that instance my spirit gets crushed, Then I realized love picked me to have someone to laugh at its like something you have always wanted you finally get it and then its snatched from you how can I go back and tell all my family and friends its not my child that we just had a big party for. I feel like such a fool,, That day as I dwelled in my sorrow I vowed never to trust love again even though I want .love so much, I know love doesn't want me. Every time I see love I run until I'm out of breath because I never want to feel that pain love gave me ever again, I didn't eat for along time because love sat in my stomach and made me not want food cause I wanted love, I have a loving heart but my mind hates love. Most people think I'm a dog and I love woman I do. But in all realness I love, love but love scares me, The day I stop running from love is the day I look around and I'm all alone in silence with no one to hold me, comfort me, rub me on my back and say it will be okay in tough times, those are all the things love supply but I'm afraid of the pain love gives, my whole life I thought I was going to have love for just me but the reality of it is I don't deserve love.

Hell For A Hustler

When a man feels like he was forced to the streets because he was limited to life options thats when the life becomes hell for a husler. I was inspired to write this paticular blog because I have lost alot of friends and family to death or prison because of the street life, It can take alot away from a mans soul, You become disconnected from reality numb to feelings, Ive been bruised and battered by this dirty game. Certain injuries I look at today makes me constantly reflect on when god put my life in his hands and saved me from death. I am very thankful for that but I find myself asking why me and not them
My husling ways started from not having, feeling like a bum my parents couldnt afford to give me finer things in life and job wasnt on my agenda when I got exposed to the hustle I ended up being as addicted to the money as the drug addicts was to what I had to offer them. There where times I knew I was taking someones last dime and they couldnt feed there children, In my head I was thinking they are going to buy it from somebody why not me I have to get this money. Now that it has hit close to home I lost all my friends ive lost love ive lost dignity and comfort, My soul is not the same life has become hell for a hustler I look in the eyes of my best friends kids and i see the pain from his death ironic enough those eyes i have seen before in the kids of the addicts that i sold drugs to. People always ask me why do you always wear suits cause I remember the days when I didnt have shit the crazy thing is I have materials but at the end of the day I still dont have shit I lost alot of me in this life I really thought having cars houses made me feel better, but the life made me not be able to trust,I stay suspisious of people im so uncomfortable when it comes to giving my love and that is hell for a husler.I know that I wont make it to heaven ive done to much, I just pray that when my time comes its quick and I dont suffer, As far as pain I dont think the pain can be any worst than what i already have felt, Ive been shot stabbed had broken bones and this was by people I trusted and its made me a marked man cause I cant trust noone, everybody is out to hurt me I have one friend left and we barely see eachother, man I miss all my peeps save me a spot in hell cause I already feel like im there.